How to Forgive Another Person for Past Hurts
By Robert H. Chapman Psy.D

No one gets through life without being hurt by another person. We all have experienced the pain of a thoughtless remark, gossip, or lie. If you have experienced an unhappy marriage, the devastation of infidelity, or suffered physical or emotional abuse, you know what it feels like to be hurt. It is tempting to hold on to these feelings and build a wall of safety around yourself, but the best way to heal is to forgive the person who hurt you.

What Is Forgiveness?

When you forgive another person, you no longer allow their behavior to cause you anger, pain, bitterness, or resentment. When you choose not to forgive, you make the choice to hold on to your feelings of resentment, anger, and pain.

Why Should I Forgive?

Think of forgiveness as a gift that you give to yourself. It is not something you do for the person who hurt you. It is a gift to yourself because it enables you to stop feeling painful feelings and pushing others away. Forgiveness frees you from anger and allows you to restore your ability to have close and satisfying relationships with others.

I Have Everything I’ve Ever Dreamed of. Why Am I Not Happy?
By Robert H. Chapman Psy.D.

Signs of Discontent

You don’t need a degree in psychology to know when you’re off-track, but sometimes it creeps up on you. It can seem like you wake up one day and realize that things are not right. These are a few of the signs:

  
   You don’t want to get out of bed.

   You have a hard time motivating yourself to do routine tasks.

   You have doubts about yourself.

   You feel mildly depressed for days at a time.

   You sometimes overeat and/or use alcohol and drugs to feel better or escape.

   You often feel chronically tired, de-energized, and listless.

   You worry about how you will keep things together.

   You feel bored or restless.

   You wish you were somewhere else.

   You often have headaches, stomach upset, and other body aches and pains.

   You sleep too little or too much.

   You have frequent bad dreams or nightmares.

   You oversleep.

   You complain and nag.

Feeling dissatisfied with your life is not a pleasant experience, but it can lead you in a positive direction. These feelings may be important because they are telling you that your actions are out of synch with your values, goals, or talents.

Rediscover What Is Important to You

What Is Hypnosis and Can It Help You?
By Robert H. Chapman Psy.D

Hypnosis is a natural, normal, relaxed, and focused state of attention. It is characterized by:

   A feeling of well-being

   Relaxed muscles

   Less sensitivity to pain

   Ability to access memories, both good and bad

Hypnotherapyis the use of hypnosis to enable a person to take control of feelings, behaviors, habits, and self-image. A person who is in a hypnotic state or trance responds to guided imagery and suggestions for new, positive behaviors after the trance is over.

Hypnosis is an entirely natural state of consciousness. It is not the same as one’s normal waking state. When people are hypnotized, they are completely awake and alert. They know exactly what is happening during every moment. Their awareness is heightened and focused.

It is not possible to be under someone else’s control during hypnosis. People do only what they want to do and are always aware of where they are and what they are doing. They are in control at all times. They become highly receptive to positive suggestions, but only if those suggestions are acceptable. The trance may be stopped at any time, just as we see people sometimes when they are having a daydream.

What Kinds of Issues Is Hypnosis Used For?

A professional therapist with formal training and experience in hypnotherapy can use the experiences from hypnosis to address a wide variety of issues. These are a few examples:

   Eliminate destructive habits

   Building positive habits

   Controlling responses to stress

   Overcoming fear

   Alleviating sexual dysfunction

   Improving performance

Take Charge of Your LifeBy Robert H. Chapman Psy.D.
It is important to have goals because they are good for your physical and mental health. You can have goals for all areas of your life.

Here are a few ideas:

Suicide: Warning Signs and Treatment
By Robert H. Chapman Psy.D.

It is reported that suicide , the act of deliberately ending one’s own life, is a cause of death for about 30,000 people (including 5,000 between the ages of 15 to 24 years old) each year in the United States. Since many suicides are not reported as such, the actual number is most likely much higher. Suicide goes unreported because of its stigma or because family members find it too painful to confront the truth.

The rate of suicide in this country is about 12 per 100,000 people. According to the American Association of Suicidology (which studies suicide and its prevention), there are between eight and twenty attempts at suicide for each death from suicide. This means that there are anywhere from 240,000 to 600,000 suicide attempts each year. This rate jumps to 200 attempts for every completed suicide when people (ages 15 to 24) are involved.

Other Facts about Suicide

    More suicides happen in the spring than at other times of the year.

   The most lethal days of the week are Monday and Friday.

   Rich people and poor people alike kill themselves. Suicide is an equal-opportunity killer, and is chosen by people from every group imaginable. The most common victims are white males aged 65 and older.

   More men than women kill themselves, but women are more likely to attempt suicide.

   60% of people who commit suicide do so with guns.

What Is Solution-Focused Therapy and How Does It Work?
By Robert H. Chapman Psy.D.

Most types of psychotherapy involve exploring feelings, being validated, finding explanations, exploring wishes and dreams, setting goals, and gaining clarity. Every therapist has unique ways of working with clients, based on his or her personality, training, and views of how people change. A solution-focused therapist is likely to do the following:
1. Instead of going over past events and focusing on problems, the therapist helps you envision your future without today’s problems. 
2. During the course of therapy (often as few as 3 to 6 sessions), the therapist helps you discover solutions.   
3. The therapist encourages you to identify and do more of what is already working.   
4. The therapist guides you to identify what doesn’t work and to focus on doing less of it.   
5. The emphasis is on the future, not the past.   
6. SFBT therapists believe that the client is the best expert about what it takes to change his or her life.   
7. The therapist’s role is to help you identify solutions that will remove the barriers to having the life you want.

Managing the Stress in Your Life - Part 2

By Robert H. Chapman Psy.D.

In the last newsletter, we discussed what stress is and what causes it. In this issue, you will learn how to manage the stress in your life and protect yourself against it.

  1. Learn to Have Healthy Relationships

This subject could fill an entire book. In the limited space of this newsletter, let’s look at the key components of this stress-reducing strategy.

            A . Identify the sources of stress in your relationships. Write about them in a journal. Make a list of people who cause you stress and explore what the issues are.

            B. Resolve the underlying issues. For each of the situations identified in step 1, assess what needs to happen to resolve it. Make a list and design a plan to improve the situation.

            C. Learn skills to improve relationships. Relationship skills are learned. We are not born knowing how to get along well with others, and most of us learned only limited skills from our parents. Identify the skills you need to develop, and make a plan for yourself. You can learn these skills by reading books, taking classes, or working with a therapist.

            D. Avoid toxic people and situations. Some people have a toxic effect on you. If you can, limit the amount of time you spend with them. Look for opportunities to decline their invitations. When these people are family members, remind yourself that you don’t have to feel guilty about avoiding anyone who makes you feel bad about yourself. In work situations, look for ways to rearrange your schedule or your workspace to avoid interacting with such people.

             E. Seek out positive people and situations. This step is the reverse of the previous step. Look for opportunities to spend more time with people and in situations that make you feel good. Think about people who make you feel good about yourself and look for ways to increase time with them.

What Causes All of This Stress?
By Robert H. Chapman Psy.D.

In this newsletter, we will explore what stress is and what causes it. In the next, you will learn how to manage the stress in your life and protect yourself against it.

Stress Is a Response

Most experts define stress as a response to life situations like the following:

1. Having too many responsibilities

  2. Vague or confusing expectations

  3. Having to do unpleasant tasks

  4. Facing too many distractions

  5. Having to do tasks for which one is unprepared

  6. Working with difficult people

  7. Being bored

  8. Being sick

  9. Experiencing too many changes

 10. Being in physical danger

 11. Living or working in a crowded space

 12. Not getting enough exercise

 13. Poor nutrition

 14. Not getting enough sleep

 15. Not enough time to relax

 16. Being dissatisfied with your physical appearance

 17. Abusing drugs or alcohol, or being close to someone who abuses them

Social and Cultural Causes of Stress

Stress has become a factor in our culture in the last 20 years because of things that were originally designed to make life less stressful. Conveniences such as ATM machines, microwave ovens, and fax machines have made life easier in many ways, but they also have woven an expectation of instant gratification into our culture. And this causes stress.

WHAT TO DO ABOUT THE HOLIDAY BLUES
By Robert H. Chapman Psy.D.

Not everyone shares in the celebration and joy associated with the holidays. Many people feel stressed and unhappy in response to the demands of shopping for gifts, spending large amounts of money, attending parties and family gatherings, and entertaining house guests. It is not uncommon to react to these stresses with excessive drinking and eating, difficulty sleeping, and physical complaints. The holiday blues are a common result. If you experience reactions like these during the holidays, you are not alone. Let’s take a look at what causes holiday blues and what you can do about them.

What causes the Holiday Blues?

Fear of disappointing others.Some people fear disappointing their loved ones during the holidays. Even though they can’t afford to spend a lot of money on gifts, some people feel so obligated to come through with a fancy gift that they spend more than they can afford.

Expecting gifts to improve relationships.  Giving someone a nice present won’t necessarily strengthen a friendship or romantic relationship. When your gifts don’t produce the reactions you had hoped for, you may feel let down.

Anniversary reactions.If someone important to you passed away or left you during a past holiday season, you may become depressed as the anniversary approaches.

RECOVERING FROM SEXUAL ASSAULT
By Robert H. Chapman Psy.D.

Sexual assault occurs when one person forces any unwanted sexual contact onto another person. It can involve a stranger, friend, partner, or acquaintance. It can involve any type of unwanted sexual behavior.

Being sexually assaulted involves both physical and psychological assault. Assault victims experience a range of emotions that include fear, shame, anger, and depression.

Most sexual assault victims are women, and most perpetrators are men. However, a significant number of males also are sexually assaulted. For the sake of simplicity, I will refer to the victims in this article as females.

Stages of Sexual Assault Recovery

Sexual assault victims usually have emotional and physical reactions that fall into three stages. These can be described as shock, adjustment, and resolution.

Shock usually lasts from a few hours to several weeks. The victim experiences shock, disbelief, fear, and anger. She may have phobic reactions to the place where the assault occurred. She may also have flashbacks, an immediate sense of reliving the sexual assault, and trouble sleeping.

Adjustment comes next. During this temporary stage, the victim begins to feel as if her life is returning to normal and tries to regain some sense of control. She may deny the impact of the assault.